The Activity graph bar makes me feel like an underachiever. How do I disable it?
The Activity graph bar makes me feel like an underachiever. How do I disable it?
I have depression. It has been with me for as much of my life as I can remember (and not remembering childhood at all, it’s not so much to remember now). Because of many factors in my life, self-esteem being one of them, I have had depression, also as long as I can remember.
Depression is not an all-at-once thing. It builds up; every bad thing or bad thought that you have or are exposed to by bullying, shaming, or “what society tells you is true”, these are the things that break a person down.
These things add to what you are told about yourself from a very young age. I do have a small handful of memories from childhood, but they’re disjointed and probably outta context. All I really remember is that my mother didn’t ever seem to love or want me. If I did something I thought was neat or cool, she’d respond with either indifference, or outright rage and disgust. I didn’t always know what the words meant, but her tone made me know without doubt that I was disgusting to her.
So I became her.
I emulated everything I saw her do. She didn’t brush her teeth? Neither did I. She ate sugar all the time? So did I. She had a certain attitude about the world, of self-loathing and not giving a rat’s ass about what she ate, how she looked, or how she dressed? Neither did I. If I was exactly like her, she’d like me, right?
My younger sister saw the same things I did, but she was determined NOT to be what we were. She is now an athletic personal trainer and dietician with a brand-new house (built just for her), a successful health and supplements business, and a beautiful family. I’m not upset with her for achieving those things. I’m glad one of us achieved success.
I am still struggling daily with my own depression. The additions of the loss of my hands as usable tools for all the things I was used to doing, of love lost, (the one you both think is perfect until one just .. goes away), sexual assault, rapid weight gain, failure to motivate myself to paint EVEN THOUGH it will guaranteed get my money as soon as I finish anything, the loss of a job I LOVED, and the loss of a lot of my main chewing teeth. All these things happened recently, within the last two years. The only thing to get me through this past (9 month long) winter was having a friend, aka, my dog. He would lick my tears, paw my hand, bring me exciting toys to play with, when I couldn’t get out of bed, or was just crying for no reason I could figure out.
Life is hard, sure, but it’s almost impossible for someone with depression. Every day I’d try to do something with my life, something I know I liked back when I had a lot more feelings. Once, I cut some roofing nails in half because I was having a strong day, and I need them to finish making my Zombie Apocalypse emergency armour. Another few days in there I stayed up all night painting so I could sell a few pieces, and could eat the following week. I told people I was weapon training with sticks so I could maybe motivate myself to do it, but because I had sore arms, I ended up watching training videos instead, so I could at least see what I’d be doing when I am able to.
I was not aware that my Herculian struggle to got out of bed and do one thing every day that was rewarding to myself, was causing other people to hate me. To assume that my carpal tunnel was faked so that I could avoid getting “a real job”. When confronted with this venom, from someone I thought was a friend, I did what I always do; I smiled, and politely wished him a better attitude and a better day, and I walked away.
Me smiling and joking and having a good time does not negate the near-crippling depression I have. It’s BECAUSE of it that I try to enjoy life. I have a positive attitude because without that to fake my way through, I’d be dead. I’d be dead so many times.
The reason I wrote this today is not to inspire pity, or to depress anyone else who struggles with this. I wrote it because 3 days ago I cracked my last available molar for chewing, and with so little teeth left because I was never taught to care for them, I am facing a life of blender food. And with so little else to hit me, THIS is what’s making me cry. It’s causing me to not want to smile anymore, because I’m perceived as gross for not taking care of my teeth; I’m perceived as “just a welfare bum” because I’m on assistance and have so few teeth, and because to other people, who don’t know me, I look like I want to be on the system forever, that I’m lazy. And I’m afraid that the more I hear these things expressed, the more I think they’re true, and the more they’ll become true.
I wish I could smile without feeling ugly.
I find everyone’s else’s smile beautiful; why not my own?
Me and my friend were just talkin about this- how in the hell does the top person get into his hammock I don’t understand
Go camping with that ninja friend
So this little kid at church noticed I’m fat and asked me today “Why do you have a big belly?”
I couldn’t really think of an acceptable answer for that so I simply responded:
“Because I’m full of bees”
I don’t think I’ve seen a more confused and terrified child in my life as I walked away, hearing him whisper “Bees…” to himself.
HAHAHAHA Best. Answer. Ever!!
hmm, yoga is kind of girly #nohomo
let’s rename it so it sounds manlier and make it just for the bros
for the bros only
Is this a fuckin joke? Just today, I had seen a Snickers commercial on TV that showed a man wearing exercise clothes (spandex), instructing a group of women doing aereobic exercise. A football player came in with a Snickers and handed this trainer a Snickers. The trainer ate the Snickers, and transformed into a football player. They both left the women because apparently he “wasn’t being himself” for instructing women in such a prissy, sissy sport!! LOL!!! (/sarcasm)
How utterly pathetic that “men” feel so challenged by anything to do with women and considered “feminine,” and they feel the need to assert their masculinity. LOL, yes, what a fuckin joke this is.
haven’t posted a pic in a while and i’m wearing my favorite shirt
Reblogged because of the smile and overall awesomeness! <3
Just got home from the Hiawatha Conservation Park, where I climbed a waterfall, waded in the lake, and scampered around the forest, all barefoot.
2/3 of the friends I was with asked why I wasn’t wearing shoes. My best friend knows not to.
I just gotta be shoeless.
If it was legal, I’d have been naked too.
Apparently being without internet for a year, plus afflicted with bilateral carpal tunnel, made me not even think about the fact that I should’ve been palm-rolling my dreads. And so I haven’t. And so they look like I made them all 2 days ago, drunk, using a coat hanger.
the notebook problem: you see a notebook. you want to buy the notebook. but you know you have like TEN OTHER NOTEBOOKS. most which are STILL EMPTY. you don’t need to notebook. you’re probably not gonna use the notebook anyway. what’s the point? DONT BUY THE NOTEBOOK. you buy the notebook.
~* Für Dich! *~
An amethyst in bird-form, meet the Costa’s Hummingbird. A desert hummingbird, Costa’s Hummingbird breeds in the Sonoran and Mojave Deserts of California and Arizona.
A hummingbird… that looks like it’s humming a jaunty sea shanty
Many people enter relationships with a deep fear of rejection and abandonment, or they stay away from relationships to avoid experiencing these fears.
Do you identify with this?
If you do, what do you usually do regarding relationships when your fear of rejection and abandonment is triggered?
- I give myself up to avoid rejection.
- I’m overly nice to avoid rejection.
- I get angry to try to have control over not being abandoned.
- I explain or defend to avoid rejection.
- I withdraw when I feel rejected or abandoned.
- I stay away from relationships to avoid the issue.
- Other _________________________.
The problem with these coping strategies is that you will continue to fear rejection and abandonment until you stop abandoning yourself and start loving yourself.
What are the ways you are abandoning yourself? Let’s look at a few of them:
1. You judge yourself.
What are the judgments you level at yourself?
- I’m not good enough.
- I’m inadequate.
- I’m bad.
- I’m a loser.
- I’m too fat or too skinny.
- I’m ugly.
- I’m stupid.
- I’ll never amount to anything.
- I better not make a mistake.
- I better be perfect.
And so on …
If you had a child and you treated her with the same kind of harsh judgments that you might be leveling at yourself, your child would likely feel unloved, abandoned, alone, inadequate, anxious or depressed.
Imagine that your feeling self is your child within — your inner child. When you abandon yourself with self-judgments, your inner child feels just as alone, rejected, abandoned, anxious and depressed.
2. You stay focused in your head rather than being present in your body.
If you had an actual child who came to you upset, and you ignored him or her, then your child would feel rejected and alone, and possibly anxious or depressed.
When you stay focused in your mind, you are ignoring your feelings (your inner child) which makes you feel alone and abandoned within, and likely leads to anxiety or depression.
You’ll feel especially abandoned if you are judging yourself and then ignoring the pain you are causing with your self-judgments, instead blaming others for your pain.
3. You turn to various addictions.
Again, if you had a child who was upset, and instead of attending to your child, you gave him or her a cigarette or you grabbed a drink, your child would feel abandoned.
The same feelings of abandonment occur on the inner level when you use addictions to avoid and numb your feelings — addictions like alcohol, drugs, food, nicotine, TV, work, Internet, sex, porn, spending, shopping, gambling and so one.
4. You make someone else responsible for your feelings
Once again, if you had an actual child whom you kept trying to give away to someone, the child would feel profoundly abandoned by you.
Likewise, when you make others responsible for your feelings, you are abandoning your inner child.
Healing Abandonment Issues
Abandonment issues get healed when you stop abandoning yourself and instead learn to love and value yourself. No matter how much someone else loves you, as long as you continue to abandon yourself, you will continue to feel insecure, inadequate and unlovable.
Others’ love feels wonderful, but it needs to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. Your love for yourself needs to be the foundation from which you are then able to share love with others, rather than always trying to get love to feel safe and secure.
You CAN learn to love yourself, and this will make all the difference!
- Margaret Paul